Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Pride Disguised as Insecurity

I have an incorrect view of myself.  

I've often read and heard that girls who struggle with eating disorders can weigh 80 pounds, but look in mirror and see a fat person.  I also have friends who are attractive and smart but look in the mirror and see ugly and stupid because someone in their formative years so wounded their thinking with harsh words that the reality of who they are is warped.  I, on the other hand, can look pretty rough and see something different in the mirror.  I've always thought it's funny that what I may have found acceptable in the morning is clearly not by night.  What I'm saying is that, ultimately, I'm not very insecure about my appearance.

I've assumed the same goes for my personality.  I definitely care what people think about me, and I strive for peace in relationships, but I don't worry a lot about what people think about me.  Or, do I?  Recently, I had some friends over, and once they left, I started mulling back over a specific conversation.  I sent a text to clarify something I said, and the friend responded telling me not to second-guess myself.  I had to think about that for a while.  Second-guessing sounds like insecurity to me, and I'm not insecure, so there must be another issue. Right?  This was my thought.  Oh, I'm not second-guessing myself.  I'm second-guessing your ability to see the fullness of what I'm trying to say.  In other words, I'm great, and there is more to me than meets the eye.  I just hope everyone can see how deep I am.

Oh, sweet conviction.  The probing of God to tell us that we're not and He is.  He is the only one with depths and riches unknown.  Since that text, I have found myself wanting to  defend my "lack of shallowness" many times.  Just last night at small group I said some things that I so badly want to clarify.  There's always more to the story with me.  What that means is that I'm prideful and that I want to defend my honor by explaining myself so I am not misunderstood.  My pride gives me an incorrect view of myself.

This is a good reminder this holy week that there is only One who is worthy of defense.  One worthy of honor.  He was misunderstood and second-guessed.  There is more to the story with Him.

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