Spoil. Punish. Repent.

Who made the kids in your house so rotten?  I mean, seriously, who bought them all of the toys, took them out to eat so many times, let them stay up late and let them get away with sassing you like that?  This is currently one of our favorite conversations.  Why do we spoil our kids and then punish them for it?  Eating out may have been a luxury when we were growing up, but if we take our kids out to eat weekly, should we be shocked at their lack of gratitude?  When we let them stay up late, is it fair to punish them for their grumpiness the next day?  This one is going to sting:  Can we really have a sharp tongue all of the time and expect that our kids will not turn and respond as a smart alec at some point?  These examples only scratch the surface, and they don't begin to touch the baggage carried into teenage and college years.


I think most of us desire to cultivate a spirit of  gratitude in children.  The last thing we want is to send more entitled people into the world.  So what do we do with them?  More importantly, what do we do with us?
Parents:  We always start with repentance.  Then, we let the gospel reshape our thinking and doing.
Children:  Henry Van Dyke says, “Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse.”  With that said, gratitude is internal, meaning it comes from the inside out.  We can make them say "thank you" all day long, but we can't make them feel it.  We can't guilt them into it.  Can we trust the gospel will shape their thinking and doing?

John Piper agrees that gratitude is a feeling.  For more on gratitude, follow this link from Desiring God:

Is gratitude nothing more than a thoughtless feeling?

Tim Challies on Homeschooling

Tim Challies is a blogger, author and book reviewer.  He recently wrote a three part series on homeschooling.  If you are interested in following the articles, you can find the first one here.  If you read the first, you will see links for parts two and three.


I believe there are 2 ways that we can go about prayerfully discovering if we are weak or strong. Before we do that, though, we need to remind ourselves that in this context we are discussing people who are saved by grace through faith and who are not looking to any of their choices as a means of salvation. Neither are we discussing people who have refused to weigh the options. The man who enrolls his children in public schools without counting the cost and without carefully shepherding them along the way is not weak or strong—he is stupid. The person who homeschools his children because he thinks that the 4 walls of his home will protect them from sin and worldliness is not weak or strong—he is foolish. -Tim Challies

Building the Identity of Girls

One of my goals as a parent is to help instill in my girls their identity in Christ.  It is a struggle, but I don't want to emphasize their abilities or traits over that which only Christ has and will do for them.  At the point in which they begin to look to their intellect, athleticism, talent, beauty, success, weight, race, shame, mistakes, shortcomings, or sin, they will be exalting themselves to a position that those found righteous in Christ do not own.  We have His identity.

This article is beautiful.  It's a sweet story of adoption, but it's also a great reminder of how we shouldn't put our girls' identity in their beauty.  The world often speaks of building the self-worth of our children.  What is gospel-centered building?  Reminding them of who they are because of Him!

http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/a-pirates-life-for-me

Finding Your Children in the Bible

Before I start, let me just say the Bible is not about me or my kids; it's about God.  But, I found myself getting a little creative the other day as we were studying together.  I am currently reading Acts to my kids.  I stop along the way to give explanations, but they are fairly attentive as the book is full of entertaining stories, and they are full of questions.  It has been one of my favorite parts of our summer.


We were reading the story of Stephen in Acts 6-7, Stephen's speech was getting lengthy, the "littles" were starting to stand on their heads and make funny noises, and I began seeing a pattern with the speech.  So... I told everyone to listen for their name because they were all in Stephen's speech, kindof...


Cooper's middle name is Stephens, so while it is a family name, it originates from the martyr Stephen "crown".  A few sentences into Stephen's speech, he mentions Abraham.  Abraham was married to Sarah "princess" (my 10 year old).  At the end of his speech, he mentions David, which finally gives opportunity to the least attentive Abby (Abigail -- a wife of David, "My father is Joy").  There is nowhere else in the Bible that all three of my children are linked together in name.  Pretty cool.  They were thrilled!


Your children may not have the names of men/women in the Bible, but you may find stories/personalities/situations that relate to them.  Sometimes we have to be creative in keeping their attention.  As long as we are pointing them to the gospel and not themselves, there is no harm in that.  Have fun coming up with ways to keep them interested!

Feel Like Your Job is Useless, Mom?

When I was rolling out of bed this morning, Chris was just getting in from his weekly mentoring meeting with a younger guy.  They are studying Romans 2.  He has several morning and lunch appointments this week with young adults and had a few last week.  I am proud of my husband.  I love that he mentors others, that he takes an interest in them and they in him.

But, let's just be honest for a minute.  As a mom, do you ever have those moments of...  I want to take a shower and mentor a Millennial today.  I want to have deep spiritual discussion and break down Romans 2.  I want to have lunch at Humdingers and talk about what God is doing in my life over sweet potato fries.  I want to drink coffee while it's hot and not be interrupted to pour cinnamon toast crunch.

Well, I've had and have these moments.  These times are too short to wallow for long.  The days are long, but the years are quick.  Mothers, the diapers changed, the books read, the long hours at home are not wasted.  Don't think for one minute that what you're doing does not matter.  Pointing lives to Christ is no small task.  Sidenote:  If you desire to mentor younger girls, they will come to you.  If you are a stay-at-home-mom, invite younger girls into your home.

Sometimes to get myself going, I need a plan.

So, what are we doing today? (Not necessarily in this order)

1.  Math flash cards (Sarah, multiplication -- Abby, addition)

2.  Computer time -- 30 minutes each because everyone helped clean house last night

3.  Pillow fight -- I took this idea from someone else

4.  Reading time -- 1 hour each day, the public library gives great rewards

5.  Bible time -- we've been reading 15 min. a day, just started reading through Acts

6.  Tonight -- Jerry's Sno Cones

I like this blog post for multiple reasons, but if you're having a hard time seeing how your time at home is benefiting your children, read this:  What I Don’t Look For In a Church

Mothers, God is Sovereign

Nearly three years ago, our neighbors' son (in his mid 20s) had a tragic accident.  He barely survived and now has very low brain function and is completely dependent on his parents.  Chris and I talk with the parents regularly and have built a friendship with them.  They are pleasant and loving.  They are dedicated parents who haven't shown an ounce of bitterness.  They've never expressed that God owed them something for the "good" they've done.

It was time for them to be empty-nesters and put their feet up when their whole world came crashing down.  I expressed this recently to the mom, and she just grinned.  I also told her that when she was out playing with her son, like I do with Cooper, she could have never dreamed this would have happened.  She shook her head.  I don't judge.  It could have been me, and none of my children are exempt from what happened to hers.  She tries to not let herself drown in what could be an ocean of guilt.  She would never escape.  Jesus can redeem any situation.  That's what I told her.  She agrees.

As mothers, we all know this guilt too well.  I've stayed at home from day one with my kids, and there have still been nights when I feel I didn't give enough.  I want to do the best I can do knowing they have their own strong wills, and above both of those, there is still the Sovereign one.  That's where we have to rest.

Gary Thomas in Sacred Parenting says, "None of us can be such good parents that God becomes obligated to save our children's souls.  On the more encouraging end, none of us can mess up so badly that our children somehow extend beyond the reach of God's mercy."

The Rhythm That Is Children

I once heard an expecting mother say she and her husband were bringing their child into their world.  Their lives would not revolve around the baby but he would simply begin to develop into their rhythms and they would not stop for his.  I thought that was a good idea for about the first three months of Sarah's life while she was in a carrier putting up little fight.  Now, with three children ranging from 5 to 10, I think it is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

I will also say this:  I expect my children to be very independent.  I do not jump when they ask for a drink.  They help clean the house, and they take their own showers.  Sarah does all of her own homework and projects.  Abby cuts her own fingernails.  Cooper brushes his own teeth (when so inspired).  They can tear this house apart, but they also know how to put it back together.  As independent as my children are expected to be, I still think the above comments are delusional.

Chris and I are finding that our kids, possibly now more than ever, require all of us.  We're okay with that (most days).  They need attention and discipleship.  They need Jesus weaved into every fiber of their emotional and spiritual growth.  We find ourselves saying that Sarah is halfway finished with the time she will spend in our home.  We are halfway finished pouring all we can into her before she leaves. (Our older friends are reminding us that they really start leaving around 14 or 15.  Ouch!)

How naive we are to expect that our kids will not disrupt our lives and schedules!  What joy we miss in not submitting to that (at times)!  Pour into them!  The time is now!  These years are exhausting, but we want to know that we have discipled our children well and give glory to God for the rhythm that is children.

Disclaimer:  I do not do this well.  Part of the reason I expect my children to be independent is because I am selfish.  I'm trying to learn to get up early to get things done to not put my kids on the back-burner.  I like to blog and look at twitter.  I have a small side job and keep up with our bills at home.  I have a tendency to make my kids busy themselves while I do things I like to do.  I'm trying to learn to do some of these things before they get up, so that they are not constantly having to revolve around me.

Don't Get In My Way

It's our first week of summer, and I am so glad to have my kids home!  There is a small bit of funny tension, though, in waiting for the "it's all fun and games until..." 

In this case, it was "It's all fun and games until someone dumps an entire pitcher of lemonade on the countertops all over our important summer forms, the camera and work papers." Sarah began to explain what happened while trying to clean her mess.  Everything she did made it worse.  Abby and Cooper scattered after torturing her a little.  

I made sure that Sarah knew how frustrated I was even though it was clearly not her fault.  She got in the way of my plans (which was to not clean up lemonade).  I barked a few orders, and we cleaned up the mess together.  I didn't let her off the hook, and she went off into the other room.

While I was making lunch, I was reminded of something Chris and I learned early in marriage -- to tell each other I'm not mad or frustrated with you, just the situation.  Now, this works well for our personalities.  When we're in traffic, and people are in my way, I can easily tell Chris that I'm not mad at him but the idiots around me.  Sarah has a personality similar to Chris', so I thought maybe I should share these sentiments with her.

But, it occurred to me, what if I'm just trying to let myself off the hook?  What if I'm trying to excuse my sin and be the good guy here?  What if we use this psycho-babble to cover over the condition of our hearts?  What if I wasn't frustrated about the lemonade but my true frustration was with Sarah?

If that is the case, what's required is repentance.  What's required is an apology for my reaction to the accident.  Repentance is required because the issue is with my heart.  How?  Conflict arises when I am so ruled by my desires that if you get in my way, I will be angry, frustrated and impatient.  You will only be beneficial to me if you are helping me get what I want. I wanted to make lunch.  Sarah got in my way.  I can blame the lemonade (situation), but it didn't pour itself.  I was frustrated with Sarah, not the situation.  Who gets in your way?

The opposite of that is being ruled by the Spirit.  When conflict arises, I will be slow to anger, compliant and patient, not ruled by my desires to get what I want by using those around me, including my children.

I walked into the room and she said, "I'm sorry."  I apologized for my lack of patience, and she said, "I accept your apology."  I have to be honest, I still wanted to defend myself, but I mostly wanted to cry.  

This won't be the only summer day we have a "spill." This won't be the only day I respond with fleshly desires.  Hopefully, I will take responsibility for them each time just as I'm teaching them to take responsibility.  And, dads, be sure to put the lids on the lemonade.  I'm pretty sure it was his fault.

Let's Talk About Sex -- to Babies

We started talking to our kids about sex extremely early.  Sarah is 9, Abby 7 and Cooper just turned 5.  They obviously know different things for each of their ages, but they probably know more than most kids their ages.  We have a few ways and reasons we have done this that I will share.


1.  Unless there is an unexpected question, Chris and I are both present to engage our children in the discussion.  While there will be a time for dad/son and mother/daughter discussions, for now, we want them to understand there is nothing private or embarrassing about what God has created and that we are not hiding anything from each other.  Another reason we both engage them in conversation is for future accountability.  If only I talk to the girls, they may feel they are free of accountability from their dad and vice versa.


2.  We want our kids to hear the truth from us before they hear a warped version at school.  At school, they may hear another parent's version, a friend's older sibling's version or what someone has seen in a movie.  We expect fully they will still hear those things, but hopefully, they will think back to what they were taught here for what is true.


3.  Sex will always be an enticing topic, but we believe teaching our kids here will take away some of the curiosity.  Maybe when it's news to everyone else, our kids will be bored with   trying to overhear lunchroom conversation.  Maybe they'll think my mom and dad talk about this at dinner all of the time.  :)


4.  One of the rules for our kids is that they can ask anything they want.  Anytime a question or curiosity arises, they can ask.  They can ask us anything BUT they may not talk to their friends about sex.  It is conversation for home.


A few more things...
We are not naive enough to think this will cover or take care of all issues we will face in elementary school with sex.  This is simply our way of dealing the best we know how.  Also, we have had some uncomfortable conversations.  We get crazy questions and comments!  We have also had some of our funniest talks with our kids by being open and honest about sex. They keep us laughing.  If only I could share something that was said yesterday, but it's too inappropriate to blog!


One of the resources we have used is called Facing the Facts, The Truth About Sex and You by Stan and Brenna Jones.  There are four books in the series covering different age ranges.

Teaching What I (Don't) Believe

As I parent, I find I am often comforting my children with words that are even hard for me to understand and believe.  I know they are true, but I struggle to choke them down as I speak them.

Friday, I was taking my kids to spend the night with my parents.  I told them I would miss them and pledged to them that we could dream about each other.  Sarah, my oldest said she would rather not dream about me because her dreams about me usually involve me being killed by a serial killer.  I laughed awkwardly and told her that sounded awful, but I wasn't really shocked.  Our minds are capable of the most horrific and gruesome thoughts.  At the same time, I couldn't lie and tell her that was impossible.  I never want to give my kids the impression that I will always be here or that I can save them from danger.

The next night over dinner, Chris and I talked with our kids about God being a father to the fatherless and a mother to the motherless.  Chris told them about his dad leaving when he was in high school and how God has been his father.  He told them about other dads and coaches stepping in to help him.  We told them about our friend Terri who lost her mother to cancer and how much she misses her but that God also fills the void of mother.  We did not make an effort to tell them that we could be killed by a serial killer to prevent invoking fear, but we hope the truth was received without presenting that possibility as an example.  Our goal was to explain to our children that God is enough.  His grace is sufficient.  They nodded as if to understand, and we had them individually repeat, "God is enough."

I have to walk away from those lessons repeating to myself God is enough as if trying to convince a child - that child being me.  I tell my children God is enough yet I struggle to believe it myself.  It shows in the way I live.  If I believe He is enough would I expect people to validate me?  If I believe He is enough would I place my identity in my performance as a mother?  If I believe He is enough, why do I seek answers from the world instead of His Word?  If I believe He is enough, would I find less comfort in food?  If I believe He is enough, would I continue to believe I am the solution for fixing everyone's problems?

So, how can I teach my children things I struggle to believe?  Grace is my first answer.  Secondly, while I may struggle to believe truths of God, I believe God.  I believe Him at His Word.  My flesh and Spirit are at war, but He is enough whether I believe it or not.  This is another reason to teach things that I struggle with:
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth:  It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  Isaiah 55:10-11