Don't Get In My Way

It's our first week of summer, and I am so glad to have my kids home!  There is a small bit of funny tension, though, in waiting for the "it's all fun and games until..." 

In this case, it was "It's all fun and games until someone dumps an entire pitcher of lemonade on the countertops all over our important summer forms, the camera and work papers." Sarah began to explain what happened while trying to clean her mess.  Everything she did made it worse.  Abby and Cooper scattered after torturing her a little.  

I made sure that Sarah knew how frustrated I was even though it was clearly not her fault.  She got in the way of my plans (which was to not clean up lemonade).  I barked a few orders, and we cleaned up the mess together.  I didn't let her off the hook, and she went off into the other room.

While I was making lunch, I was reminded of something Chris and I learned early in marriage -- to tell each other I'm not mad or frustrated with you, just the situation.  Now, this works well for our personalities.  When we're in traffic, and people are in my way, I can easily tell Chris that I'm not mad at him but the idiots around me.  Sarah has a personality similar to Chris', so I thought maybe I should share these sentiments with her.

But, it occurred to me, what if I'm just trying to let myself off the hook?  What if I'm trying to excuse my sin and be the good guy here?  What if we use this psycho-babble to cover over the condition of our hearts?  What if I wasn't frustrated about the lemonade but my true frustration was with Sarah?

If that is the case, what's required is repentance.  What's required is an apology for my reaction to the accident.  Repentance is required because the issue is with my heart.  How?  Conflict arises when I am so ruled by my desires that if you get in my way, I will be angry, frustrated and impatient.  You will only be beneficial to me if you are helping me get what I want. I wanted to make lunch.  Sarah got in my way.  I can blame the lemonade (situation), but it didn't pour itself.  I was frustrated with Sarah, not the situation.  Who gets in your way?

The opposite of that is being ruled by the Spirit.  When conflict arises, I will be slow to anger, compliant and patient, not ruled by my desires to get what I want by using those around me, including my children.

I walked into the room and she said, "I'm sorry."  I apologized for my lack of patience, and she said, "I accept your apology."  I have to be honest, I still wanted to defend myself, but I mostly wanted to cry.  

This won't be the only summer day we have a "spill." This won't be the only day I respond with fleshly desires.  Hopefully, I will take responsibility for them each time just as I'm teaching them to take responsibility.  And, dads, be sure to put the lids on the lemonade.  I'm pretty sure it was his fault.

I Am Everything But Okay / Part 6

There are times we want to give in to despair.  Sometimes discouragement drains our energy.  We may be far past our ability to endure.  Our outlook may seem hopeless.

Following the admittance of the affair, there were many sleepless nights, days of choking down food and questions of whether or not our marriage could survive.  All of these were dimmed by the God who met us in the middle of our situation.  Chris and I didn't overcome an affair because of our hard work but as Paul David Tripp says, "God extends his grace to me because I am everything but okay."  We needed grace in our marriage then, and we continually need grace in our marriage now.  We needed people to help in our marriage then, and we continually need people to help in our marriage now.


We felt past our ability to endure, but God was with us in our suffering.  He's not standing on the outside watching to see how we'll do or on the sidelines cheering half-heartedly.  He is in it with us.  He gives us the grace to endure.  He provides help in others.

Summer Pasta Salad

Rotini Pasta

Cucumbers (seeded)

Grape Tomatoes

Green Onions

Mayonnaise

Canola Oil

Pepper

Boil pasta according to directions.  Add salt to the water.  Drain pasta. Rinse with cold water. In a bowl. Mix mayonnaise with canola oil.  Add all ingredients with vegetables chopped to desired size.  The amount of mayonnaise and oil used is based on preference, but be sure to use enough to keep salad from drying out.

This is great for a summer side.  Serve with grilled chicken or burgers.

Through An Affair, We Got More / Part 5

Going into marriage, Chris and I will tell you we were both looking for very different things.  We didn’t know it at the time.  We thought we were looking in the same direction.  It all looked the same on the surface.  Chris is a dreamer.  He wanted a wife, kids, golden retriever, a house and a church family.  He thought if everyone wore smiles it meant they were happy.  I, too, wanted the kids, house, etc., but I didn’t expect it to be easy.  I just assumed we would communicate and work our way through everything.  

So, during the affair, we continued on with our own plans.  Chris just wanted it to end.  He wanted it to end on his terms.  His terms were to walk away and take it to his grave without me ever knowing.  And, I still wanted a husband to communicate with me.  But, God wanted something more for us.  He always wants something bigger than we can fit in our box.  If Chris had just gotten out of an affair, and I had gotten better communication, we would have been sold short.  But, God gave us much more by giving us Himself.  He opened our eyes to Him in a way we had never seen.  

Sometimes we look to God because we want something when what we really need is Him.  In writing these blogs about the affair, I’ve been in conflict over those whose hearts are breaking over an affair.  I know our story doesn’t offer much solace for those who have no restoration.  What can be said to heal a heart that has no resolution?  Where can you go when your spouse doesn’t want to restore the marriage?  You may not get a marriage that is healed.  You may not get a repentant husband/wife. You may not get the communication you’re looking for.  But, you may get God.  And, that’s all you need.  He is enough for the hurting.  He is enough for the broken.  He is enough for the sleepless.  He heals.  He redeems.  He saves.  

How do we get God?  There is no formula.  What’s needed is repentance, submission, faith, falling on our faces acknowledging our need for a Savior. 

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” Philippians 3:7-8

Breaking the Silence of Sexual Abuse

When I was in 5th grade, a neighborhood friend and classmate told me her stepfather was sexually abusing her.  I told my parents, they called the authorities, and she was taken from her home.  She lived in my home for a couple of months until she was put into a foster home and then adopted by an aunt.  I've never forgotten the images of what he did to her, maybe too much for a 5th grader to know.  My heart has always been sensitive toward victims of sexual abuse, but recently, I've read two books that have made me stand guard again.  That's how we should always be - standing guard for victims, defending the defenseless.  You can read the review of the first book I read here.

The second book I read is Hush by Nicole Bromley.  This book is an incredible help for how to help victims of sexual abuse, but it provides information and education that we all need to know.    Those of us who have children and are around children need to be educated and aware.  I know we cannot be paranoid adults, but when I walk into my children's school, it reminds me to be more sensitive to the little hearts around me.

Nicole is transparent in sharing her story not only from childhood but into adulthood and how it affects her today.  She teaches survivors how to dispel the lies they have always believed and models restoration through forgiveness and the freedom of sharing her story.  

Many times we are told to hide our stories.  They're embarrassing to the family (according to the book, this is very typical for victims of sexual abuse victims), people won't look at you the same, you will look weak.  In my own life, I have found that great healing comes from sharing.  It's when I am isolated that I'm suffocating.  Isolation is a tool of satan to makes us feel like we are the only ones dealing with something.  It makes us feel helpless so we stay in the pit we're in longer.  Great freedom comes in sharing.  Great healing comes in sharing.  Great fellowship comes in sharing.

Nicole says, "...we have to show people our emotional scars -- not because we think they're cool, but because of the glory the healing brings to God and the hope it brings others that their wounds will heal as well."  Chris and I have been sharing our story lately for similar reasons.  Nicole sites 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 as her purpose and encourages victims to 

"Speak truth to those who believe the lies you once believed.  Comfort those who mourn, as you once mourned so deeply.  Tell others that it wasn't their fault, just as you once needed to hear those words over and over again.  Offer your compassion, just as you have received compassion."

You can find Hush here.  And, you can find Nicole at www.onevoiceenterprises.com

The Capacity to Love Like God

Last night, Tim Keller was in town, again.  I know there is nothing but rebuke for those of us who were not in attendance.  We had Bible study in our home for young adults, so hopefully, we can be forgiven.  Believe it or not, I learned something critical out from under his teaching.  A major insight came full circle for me this morning (after our study last night). But, I do have to say it originally started with the teaching of Tim Keller just over a year ago.


I struggle with the fear of losing my children.  When I heard Keller speak in Memphis last year, he said we are anxious because we love things, people, etc. more than we love God.  I was overwhelmed with conviction and have repented many times over since then because my children are my idol.  I previously blogged about this.  http://theacufffamily.blogspot.com/2011/01/struggling-with-fear.html


Last night we were studying from The Gospel-Centered Life, and this is when the above meditations came full circle for me:

...It is through the gospel that God sends his indwelling Holy Spirit into us, transforming our hearts and enabling us to truly love God and others.  As a result of our justification by faith, "God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us" (Rom. 5:5). We commonly read the phrase "the love of God" in this verse as God's love for us.  But contextually and linguistically this phrase also has the sense of "love from God" or "love for God." Because God loves us, he has poured into our hearts his own capacity to love and delight in himself.  Jesus prayed that the very love that God the Father has for his Son would be in us:  "I have made you known to them...in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them" (John 17:26). The Gospel-Centered Life

(Underline and bold emphasis mine)

So, these are my thoughts:  I fear when I love my children (and other things or people) more than I love God.  My desire is to love God more.  It is a struggle daily.  But, knowing that God has given me His own capacity to love Him by the Holy Spirit is incredible!  We can't will ourselves to love him more.  We can't "do" enough, but He has given himself to us to love him more in the same way he loves us.  He loves us enough to make us delight in Him.  Mind-boggling. That we have that capacity to love Him is mind-boggling to me!  We should never fear again. That is full-circle. And so begins the cycle...

How Could You Forgive an Affair / Part 4

Forgiveness is difficult for me to talk about, mostly because I'm not sure I'm capable of communicating my feelings appropriately, and I don't know if my thoughts are even accurate.  I do know that I can rely on the authority of scripture in this matter, and that is where I continue to turn.

The night I found out about the affair, I told Chris I forgave him, and I believe I continued to forgive him over a series a months.  It seemed to come with little effort, either because of God's aggressive grace or Chris' repentance and lack of reoccurring offenses.  I would say both (even though only one is needed -- the grace).  I know many may not be able to relate to this part of our story, but this is our story.  There were plenty of other things that did not come with little effort.

Another reason I was able to forgive is because it could have been me.  I could have been the one to have an affair.  If this shocks you, don't let it because it could be you, too!  The reason we are so shocked by another's sin is because we refuse to see the depth of our own.  There were a few who sat across the room from Chris and showed disbelief and shock when he confessed (not that they shouldn't have) but amidst some of those looks was judgement, a look of I would never do that!  But, I will never forget the friend who met Chris at the doors of our church, wrapped her arms around him and confessed, Chris, it could have been any of us.  Oh, that we would see the sin of others in our own lives. We are all one step away from the most gruesome of sin if it weren't for the grace of God.  It could have been me.  That's why I forgave.

Forgiveness did not mean saying what Chris did was okay.  It meant releasing him to God for God to deal with his heart.  I wasn't "letting him off the hook" when I forgave because I'm not his judge.  Justin Holcomb says, "If you don't forgive, you are usurping God's authority to act as judge." It released me from authority that wasn't mine to begin with and kept a root of bitterness from growing.

I want to be forgiven.  Matthew 6:14-15 says, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."  Isn't it so true that we want mercy and forgiveness for ourselves and wrath and judgement for others?  I hope to grow to a point where I want the same grace, mercy, compassion and forgiveness for others that I want for myself.

The very prayer that teaches you to ask for mercy bids you say "forgive us, as we forgive our debtors." Unless you have forgiven others you read your own death-warrant when you repeat the Lord's prayer. -Spurgeon

I have been forgiven.  Who is this, who even forgives sins? (Luke 7:49)  This is who Jesus is.  I want to be like that, but, also, how can I not respond to what has been done for me?  I know what it is to offend others, namely Christ.  I know what it is to be in need of forgiveness.  I've worn the name of shame and rebuke and orphan and wretched and embarrassment.  I didn't deserve to be forgiven.  I don't deserve to be called righteous and blameless, but a man stood in my place and took my wrath so that I am forgiven.  How then, could I choose not to forgive?  Am I above doing what Christ humbled himself to do? 

I understand forgiveness does not always come easy.  (Sidenote:  I have kids.  It is a lot "easier" to forgive when you hurt me.  My new motto is Live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of your Mama Bear.  I get that's it hard).  I believe it comes with daily dying to self.  I believe it is the work of Christ in our lives.  That is the joy -- knowing that we are forgiving because the Holy Spirit is working in us.